Felicity Made Me Do It

Yes. Felicity.

Miss Auburn Curly Locks.

She must be brought to justice to account for her malicious attacks on my sanity.

How could a fictional character played by a 110 lb actress (I am guessing) so thoroughly frustrate big ole me (just leave it at "big"... ok?) that within the space of three hours I go from enjoying a calm "Gordon-Night" to swearing like a sailor in front of a store clerk?

Here's my tale. Listen and learn.

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It was Saturday night. My wife had "woman things to do" and released me from any husbandly duties to spend the night as I would. Oh and since she was spending money, I could also spend a like amount.

WHA??? Gordon-Night. Here is money. Have fun...This did not compute. I felt something was up and started to question the whole situation but then thought better of it. Instead I just grinned like a stooge, took the money and ran.

Thirty minutes later I was at Best Buy looking to add the Firefly DVD (Joss Whedon Scifi-Western TV show) to my collection. I scanned the shelf but did not see it. It should be there, right between Felicity and Fraggle Rock. Maybe it was out of order. Nope. It was also not hiding behind the huge stack of Felicity season 1 dvds. Maybe it was somewhere else in the store? Nada. I finally broke down and asked a clerk for assistance.

"It should be right here, next to Felicity."

"Yep."

"Hmm. I don't ... oh here it is."

"Nope. That's a Kevin Costner movie."

"Isn't he in it?"

"No."

The clerk finally decided to check the computer to see if there were any Firefly DVDs left.

Ten minutes later the clerk informed me that there weren't any copies in the store but eight were on order and asked if I would like to wait until Monday for a copy. I also could order it online and she would waive the delivery fees. While this was a reasonable suggestion, I was no longer in a reasonable mood. I wanted the Firefly DVD and I wanted it now.

I left in a bit of a huff and continued my quest at the nearby Circuit City. Family Guy, Felicity, blank space, Fraggle Rock. I checked the blank space for any invisible copies of Firefly. Zilch. Looked in the general area. Zed. Tore apart the double shelf space occupied by Felicity season 3 just in case Firefly was hiding behind Keri Russell's restored locks. Zippo. Finally I asked a clerk.
"Four Copies are on or.... "

Before the clerk could say "der" I was out the door and on my way to Border's. This time, instead of looking for the DVD myself, I would ask the clerk first. Maybe a change in strategy would help me capture the elusive beast.

"Do you have the Firefly DVD", I asked with equal tones of hopefulness and despair.

Click. Click. "Sure do. We have four copies. Let me show you where they are".

I followed the clerk with the anticipation of a child on Christmas morning. Finally the object of my grail quest was at hand.

"Here it is. Umm..nope. Sorry this is Felicity, season 2. Must have gotten filed wrong."

Ya that, or Keri Russell has made it her personal business to screw up my Gordon-Night. If I had a pair of shears right then I would've lopped off the rest of her hair. New do's for every one! Just give me five minutes and I'll make Border's look like a Super-Cuts. Ahhhhh!

So I went to the mall and checked every store selling DVDs. Nothing. Not even blank space any more. Where the Firefly-blank space should have been, there were Felicity DVDs all piled up in a mammoth vertical stack like a giant middle finger. SHE was not playing around anymore. I wanted to scream, "Screw you, Felicity", but that would have been traumatic to the kids checking out Fraggle Rock.

After a few minutes of stewing in my car, I hit upon a last desperate plan. I would check out the Sam Goodies in Owosso (my home town). This particular Sam Goodies is notoriously understocked, but I figured I could take one last shot.

"Do you have Firefly", I said wearily.

"Its not out yet."

"Yes it is" and how much is Keri Russell paying you to say that?

"OK. Let me check. Firefly, the Complete Series. We have eight."

And that's when I snapped.

"Hot Damn. I'll be dipped in chicken shit!"

I have never said those words before (at least not all together in one sentence). "Dipped in chicken shit"? What? It was like a faith healer released my inner sailor and I was speaking in tongues. Maybe I was momentarily channeling George Carlin. I don't know.

What I do know, is that I finally have my gorram Firefly DVD. And it is gorram Shiny.

I also know that I owe the clerk at Sam Goodies an apology.

Sorry I made you jump dude. But you have to know it wasn't my fault.

Felicity made me do it.