You’re in the Clergy now…

So it seems that I have been Ordained.

Not retained, detained, restrained, Kurt Cobained...
(I needed something that rhymed!)

I am Ordained… as in an “Ordained Minister”… as in I am now “Reverend Gordon Howard Profit Spencer”… in the legal sense.

…or Brother Gordon if you so choose…

I know… shocking, isn’t it?

I was not sure how to break the news to my friends and family. It is not that big of a deal really... I mean indeed, serving God is certainly a big deal. It is something that many people dedicate their hearts and years of study and prayer to. I just kind of stepped into it.

My mother-in-law was thrilled.

My own mother said I was weird.

You see... my niece Amber needed someone to marry her. Now, I am not a big proponent of marrying your niece (I hear in some states it is legal… but that is another entry)… I do support her decision to marry Steve. What they needed was someone to officiate their ceremony.

Amber and Steve intended to have their Pastor officiate, but that fell through for various reasons. Other local Clergy were either not acceptable or unavailable. The Mayor of Frankenmuth reluctantly agreed to perform the wedding with the caveat of only being available for 30 minutes… which would not leave much time for getting dropped off by a white horse and carriage, walking down the aisle, saying vows, lighting a candle and kissing the bride. And besides, he had better things to do anyway… Frankenmuth was scheduled to play Millington in a big high school football match. Who would want to get married on a Friday anyway? I also forgot to mention that a fee and tip would be collected after the ceremony (football game ticket money I assume)…

Nnnnnoooooo.
No way.
Not gonna happen.

My niece is a good girl and she deserves to have a perfect ceremony. Everything she dreamed of…

Enter Uncle Gordy.

So… I take my new position quite seriously. My wife has been helping me write the ceremony and I am practicing it religiously (no pun intended).

I made some phone calls and Amber called some people, too. Apparently it is perfectly legal in the state of Michigan to become an “Ordained Minister”… online.

I received my credentials for the low, low, fee of $4.95 as I desire to hang a certificate with a raised seal on the wall in my office. As of Saturday, August 20, 2005 at 8:21:15 a.m. I am ordained for life… unless I send in a letter to the Universal Life Church headquarters in Modesto, California and explain to them why I feel I may no longer serve in this capacity.

So… if you so desire, I can perform the following ceremonies for you.

Baptisms
Weddings
Funeral Services
Anointing of the sick
Visits to correctional facilities
Exorcisms
House Blessings
Confessions
And… the abolishment of sins.

However, I am sorry to inform you… I am not legally allowed to perform circumcisions.

I am not about to make a living doing this… nor do I plan to take advantage of the possible tax breaks. However I have seriously considered ordering the parking sticker available for Clergy, which would allow me to have access to privileged parking at local hospitals and correctional facilities.

I wonder if there are reserved “Parking for Clergy Only” spaces at concerts, shopping malls and the local whippy-dip? Hmmm…

Just so everyone is clear, my intentions are to marry my niece.


IN OTHER NEWS...

I am an Uncle again. Stacey and John have created a healthy boy named Damon who was born on Monday. Way to go kids… (My wife has pictures on her blog if you want to see the boy…)

Oh… and I must also take this moment to mention that Charter Member Richard W. Coburn and his lovely wife are expecting a baby girl in December. Richard is obviously following the house rules and taking the term “On the Stick” seriously. Way to go Richard…

I leave you in Peace,

Rev. G

PS. Thanks are due to Brandee for her help with this post. Thanks!